Dearest Arthur, My Darling Merlin
by DrusillaSnaps
Summary: A series of letters extanged between Arthur who is in Camelot and is dependant of alcohol and Merlin who is in Ealdor waiting for Arthur to sort himself out. Subtle sexual reference's in chap4. More ratins happy ending! Unless you want angst? Do tell!
1. Merlin leaves a letter for his beloved

Dearest Arthur

I must start by emphasising that this is not a goodbye letter, it is not us breaking up. It is a letter informing you of all the things I've tried to say to you over the past weeks that you have chosen to ignore. It is a letter of my deepest feelings, a letter that will inform you of all the things you doing to me, making the choices that you make. It is a letter that I'm sorry to say will hurt you, will tear you into little pieces only to then salt the wounds. But I have to say these things, because if I don't then this could turn into a break up letter. For now it is simply a helping hand, a push in the right direction. It is hope, it is my faith in you to change, it our relationship laid bare.

You are aware of course, that since Gwen and Lancelot betrayed you, things have been different. I know you loved her, she was the only woman to ever truly capture your heart, and so your constant rants that she was simply 'for and heir and for show' meant nothing to me. If it were true, we would not be where we are now. For the second she walked out of Camelot's gates you were a different man, a different King. No longer were you the peoples' King, the caring King, the King that Camelot had come to love. The man I had come to love. You were a broken King, an alcoholic, a King that couldn't function without a goblet of wine in his hand. You turned against your people, serving harsh punishments for the most feeble of crimes, you stopped training with your knights, stopped going to battles. You stopped being King. You were just a man who needed alcohol to be able to do anything. Had you been any other man in the world, you'd be long dead by now. But you were King, my King, and the man I loved, so of course I helped. It was hard of course, you were very unwilling at first, didn't want to know. When I attempted to take away your wine you yelled, had me put in the stocks, threatened me with hanging or worse. On some level of course, I knew it was the wine talking, but it still hurt. Hurt so much I would go back to my chambers and cry and cry until my eyes were on fire, until I could cry no more, until I fell into a sleep plagued by the living nightmare that was your life. Yet still I came back, still I tried to help. I took the abuse, the harsh words, the half-hearted attempts at punching me, and the never ending spells in the stocks, and eventually I got through. One day I just broke, I cried in front of you and told you how scared I was, how scared I was that you were going to die, either from some stupid drunken moment, or an unexpected attack or your own pain finally getting the better of you. And that's when you realised. You realised what you were doing to me, to the people that cared for you, to your kingdom. That's when you knew you needed help. And help you got; we banned all alcohol from the castle. I made you potions that stopped the withdrawals, the cravings. Everyone around you offered their support, their advice and their love. And you Arthur, you worked so hard! I cannot imagine how tough all of that must have been on you. To suddenly refuse your body the thing it depended on, the thing it needed to function as much as the air we breathe, the water we drink. But you did it. You became King Arthur Pendragon of Camelot once again. A dependable, loving, caring King. And you became the man I loved once again.

For over a year after that, all was well. Camelot saw nothing but peace. Your people never went hungry, never went cold. You had become the great King you were destined to be. But then something changed. I don't know what it was, who it was, but something did change. Suddenly in the last few weeks you are back where you were a little over a year ago. You depend on your wine to function, you ignore your kingdom and let your people suffer, all because you are too inebriated to be anything like a capable sovereign. This time is so much worse. I have lost count of the amount of times that I have come to your chambers at midday to find you still passed out in bed, often having soiled yourself because you were to intoxicated or too lazy to get up in the night. I have lost count of the times where I have had to talk to rulers of neighbouring kingdoms in your place. And I can't remember the last time you smiled, the last time you held me in your arms and told me that you loved me

You won't talk to me about what it is that has triggered this, in fact you won't talk to me at all, and Arthur, I can't help but feel like this is my fault. Did I do something to you? Say something? Have I been pushing you towards this for weeks without knowing what I was doing? I need to know Arthur, because this is tearing me up inside. I can't help but be over-whelmed by the feeling that I caused your deterioration. That I could have stopped it, that I should have seen the signs, that I was too busy being head over heels in love with you to see that you were falling. If this is true then tell me, for I can handle that much, but if it is not the case, then I need to know because the feeling is killing me. It is eating away at me, at my happiness, my love for you, for myself. Only then can I help you. Only then can I be the supporting lover at your side, the never ending shoulder to cry on, and the person to hold you up when you fall down. Because I can't hold us both up Arthur. So until then, I am returning to Ealdor. I need to be away from you, from us. I need a break from the heartache and the pain that all this is causing me. I cannot just sit by and watch you plummet a minute longer. Not when you don't listen to me. If and when you change your mind, and you decide to let me in, then you may find me. But you must convince me that you want to change, that you want to get better. You must be willing to take my advice, to be honest and open with me. Because Arthur, without all that, I cannot trust you. I cannot come back to Camelot and watch you go down again. I cannot be with you if I have no faith in you.

So Arthur I am begging you to heed my words, to listen to my warning and to seek out help. I love you with everything that I have, and everything that I will have, but that does not seem to be enough. Maybe a lack of me will. I shall wait for you until the day I die my love, with little faith in either outcome, as I have become too confused as to know what to expect. I can only hope you make the right choice.

Forever and always yours,

Merlin

xxx


	2. Arthur writes to Merlin in Ealdor

My Darling Merlin

I have awoken today to find you gone, in your place, a letter. I knew what it said without reading it, and couldn't bring myself to read it all day. Instead I took a bottle of wine to my chambers and demanded that I not be disturbed, all the while laughing to myself at the irony of it all. Because that's the problem isn't it? The drinking. Or rather, the return of it. I don't know why I found it so funny. All I know is it took that whole bottle of wine, and more before I could bring myself to read your letter.

You were right of course, about Gwen. I may have tried to convince you that her purpose was to produce an heir, but in reality I loved her. Loved her so much I thought my heart would explode with pain the day she left. And do you know what? I'm sorry to say that nothing, not you, not Camelot, not anything, masked that pain as well as the wine did. It took hold of me Merlin, took hold of me and soothed me, and helped me forget, made me laugh at things that I wouldn't find funny normally.... and I needed that Merlin! I needed it so much, because without it, I was just a shell. I couldn't be a shell Merlin, I am King! At least when I was drunk I had the will to rule, I had the will to train my knights and meet rulers of neighbouring kingdoms, to pass judgement on those that had done wrong! I wasn't to know that soon I'd have to drink far too much in order to not be a shell. I wasn't to know that it would get to the point where I had to choose between being a shell and having no control of myself whatsoever. Merlin being a shell... it's horrible. I can't even begin to describe how lonely it is. Sure I had you, my knights, my loyal subjects... but that didn't stop me feeling like I was standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming. It didn't stop the heartache, and the pain! I just wanted to feel something else Merlin, anything else! So what if I had little or no control over my actions, so what! At least I didn't feel the never-ending ache that came with being sober! And every time you took my wine I tried to tell you that! Every time Merlin! But you never listened to me! You never did... you never understood Merlin, and I hated you for it. I hated you so much I hit you and I had you put in the stocks. I hated you and so I yelled and I threatened to have you hanged... and Oh God Merlin I meant it! I came so close to having you hanged on many occasions... And I hate myself for it, I really do! The idea that I would have hanged you for trying to make me better... it doesn't bare thinking about! But you have to understand that I just wanted to be able to tell you what it was like... I wanted you to make it all go away. I wanted you to make me King Arthur again. I just didn't know how to go about it... and so I drank more...

But then one day you just broke. You told me about your fears, about your pain, about everything. Pain and fears and feelings that I didn't know you had... that I didn't even consider you having because I felt like I was all alone in the world, and that I was the only one feeling such pain! I knew then that I had to do something about my problem with the wine, because I have never felt so much agony as seeing you break down in front of me. The look on your face, the honesty of your words, the hurt and the fear... all of it, it scared me and it hurt me and I felt all that you were feeling. And oh God when I felt that, I felt like the worst person in the world. I was your King, I was your friend, and most importantly, I was your lover, and yet I had made you feel so atrocious. I made a promise to myself that day that I would do whatever it took to make sure you never felt like that again, by my hand or any other! And so my healing began. I demanded at once that we ban all alcohol from the castle... I thought you would tell me I was being stupid, and that just because I had a problem with it, didn't mean that everyone else had to suffer. But you made sure it happened, I know that as King, I could have made it happen on my own, but you took the burden of it. You faced everyone's reactions, you made sure that everyone understood and that not a drop of wine could be found inside the castle walls. As it turns out that was the easy bit. I wasn't to know that my body was going to go insane with constant cravings for alcohol... that I would vomit, shake, sweat, be unable to sleep simply because I wouldn't have any wine. And through all this you stood by me. You made me potions that eased the cravings. You held me in your arms when I couldn't sleep, stayed up with me and yet you still kept yourself awake enough to rub my back while I vomited, to run a cloth over my sweaty brow and to make me yet more potions to stop the shaking. I don't know how you did it Merlin, I guess magic was involved, but you did and I was so appreciative... so grateful. Because without you Merlin, I would not have been able to do it. The few times you left my side, I seriously considered leaving the safety of the castle to find wine or beer or anything that contained alcohol. But I didn't, because I promised myself that I would never hurt you again, and that would hurt you so much, after everything you did for me... so I stayed, and I hoped and prayed that the worst was almost over and I could be me again. And then suddenly I was. It may have taken weeks, and god knows how many of your disgusting potions and too many sleepless nights to count, but I got there.

For a year or so after that, everything was fine. I was happy, you were happy and peace fell over Camelot. It was the best year of my life. I want you to know that Merlin, and that none of what happened next was your fault. Not in any way! When you asked if you had something to do with my setback, when you wondered if you could have stopped it if you had seen it coming or whatever, it tore me apart. Merlin I don't blame you, not at all, so don't you _dare_ blame yourself for this, don't you _dare_. This was all me Merlin, all me and the blame should rest nowhere else. Don't you shoulder it just because you were the person closest to me! I can't stand the idea of you being all alone in Ealdor constantly worrying that this was somehow your fault!

I wish I knew what set me off again. I wish I knew what made me reach for that goblet of wine and take a sip, I really do. But I don't. My life was perfect, so unbelievably wonderful and yet still I reached for that goblet and took a sip and another, and another until I found myself again, lost in the realms of alcohol dependency! I truly believed I could have one drink, just one little half-filled goblet of wine, and that I'd be okay. But I finished that half-filled goblet in seconds, and found myself filling it again and again, until I passed out. And then of course, you found me the next morning – nay! The next afternoon, passed out in _our _bed naked and soaked in my urine. You were so ashamed of me that you walked away. Not even the look of shame on your face, the bitter disappointment and sheer anguish that was so obvious to me could stop me from filling up my goblet with wine at the first possible moment. And that was it... it had started again. Your right by saying this time was worse. This time I did not drink because I didn't want to be a shell, I drank because suddenly my body needed me too. The after effects this time weren't pointless merriment and a distraction from my suffering, they were my suffering! They were what was bringing me down, taking hold of me with such strength that I didn't want to be King a minute longer! I wanted to lock myself away and let someone rule for me. I let you be that person, and in doing so I broke my promise to you. I hurt you and I scared you and now I've driven you away. Merlin I'm sorry, so immeasurably sorry. I let you down, I let myself and my kingdom down! You are suffering and it is my fault, my people are starving because my knights weren't ready when neighbouring kingdoms attacked, and it is my fault! I ache so much knowing I have caused so much hurt, so much death and so much suffering! I am a terrible man and a terrible king, and I do not deserve to bear the Pendragon name, nor do I deserve to rule over such a great kingdom. Nor do I deserve you. But it doesn't matter what I say because you will tell me that I do deserve you, because you love me and you think that I can make things better again. What if I can't Merlin? What if this happens all over again? I need to step down as King, I need to back away and become something where I am not as depended on, because it scares me so much knowing that I am not the ruler I was supposed to be, I am not the King that destiny foresaw! But of course, I can't ever step down, I won't! I wasn't brought up that way. And so I'm going to start again. I am going to get rid of this dependence and I am going to beat it this time, once and for all! But Merlin, baby, I need you! I need your help and support! I need you to hold me when things are hard, and to tell me you love me and believe in me... I need you so much it hurts. But at the same time, I don't want you to come back. I want to beat this on my own and I want the next time you see me to be like the first time we realised we were in love. I want it to be perfect and happy and memorable. I don't want to be shaking and vomiting all over the place! And so I am staying in Camelot, and I want you to stay in Ealdor. I want to do this on my own, and I want us to start all over again. I want to come to you when all this is over and I want to pull you into my arms and tell you how much I love you, all the while having you know that I no longer depend on wine, all the while knowing that I am the person I once was, the King I was destined to be, the man you fell in love with...

So until that moment, know that I love you with everything that I have, more than myself, more than Camelot. Know that I will get better, no matter the cost, no matter how hard it gets. Know that the next time I see you, will be the best day of our life's.

Forever yours

Arthur Pendragon, King of Camelot, your friend and your lover....


	3. Merlin's shocking request

My Dearest Arthur

I am so amazed that you wrote to me so quickly. If I am being honest, I thought my abrupt departure would have sent you into a spiralling binge of drink and partying that would see no end until either I was prompted to return by one of your knights, or your comatose body was found in our chambers by our poor new maid, who has already seen far too much hardship from us in her short stay at the castle. In fact when I started to read your letter, I believed that maybe you had already started your drinking spree and had merely taken the time to send me an insulting, and rather rude response before you became to inebriated to do so. But then I read the rest of your letter, and Arthur, I cried so much! So much... I would never have believed those words myself, had I not known for sure that it was your words I was reading.

Arthur you have to understand, that what happened with Gwen was not your fault. She knew when she married you, that she was one of two loves in your life. She knew it, and accepted it and she said she would never hold it against you, but she did! While it may not have been her fault that she developed feelings for another, she had no right to throw our relationship in your face like that after she had so gladly accepted it! Arthur the pain of that would have gone away, you know that! You may have had a hard few months, yes, but in the long run, it would have been better for you! And you knew, _knew_, you could have come to me and asked for my help, whether that be emotionally, physically or magically. There is many a spell that would have eased your pain, at least long enough for you to go about your Kingly duties. You knew this, but never asked. Not once. You chose to drink, chose it and embraced it as your saviour despite there being other options. And I know, being a shell... living such an empty life... is so hard, so very hard (what do you think my life was like in those exiled months when you first found out I was a warlock and banished me away until the day where you could take the guilt and loneliness no more, and came looking for me!) but there are other options Arthur, not just drink. Like talking to your boyfriend, admitting to the one you love that you're hurting, and empty and sad. At least then you could have kept control of your actions!

Despite what you say in your letter Arthur, I did listen! Or at least I tried too! You would get three or four words into a senseless sentence and then you would lash out. You would hit me, scream at me, throw me in the stocks or threaten me with death, and still, _still,_ I was at your side day and night, still I was there for you whenever you needed me. Still I loved you. Doesn't that tell you how much you mean to me? I guess it did, for when I cracked you turned things around, and I helped you, and all was well and... and then things went to hell. Again.

I've read your letter again and again, and gone over the last few months in my head over and over, and yet I failed to find any reason that might make you want to drink again.

But then it came to me. The reason for your drinking. _You want an heir._ A baby son or daughter that you can hold in your arms and call your own. A baby that will one day be your little prince or princess, and finally a great King or a magnificent Queen. Arthur you feel like a failure because you have not produced someone to carry on the Pendragon legacy. You feel like a failure because you had a Queen and yet no successor was conceived. Arthur, you feel like a failure because you have not done the one thing a King must – ensure the future of his Kingdom. And so Arthur, I beg of you to let me help you. To give you the heir that you so deeply crave. I'm asking for your permission to perform a dangerous, possible irreversible spell that will ultimately give you want you want. A spell that will turn me into a woman. It will be a long and painful process, and if I get it the slightest bit wrong, I will be stuck as a woman forever... but Arthur, I don't care. All I care about is your happiness, your well being. So please, consider my offer. Please let me give you what you want most.

Finally Arthur, I would like it if you would allow me to return home. I can see now that you are ready and willing to change, to get better and to be over the drink forever. I want to help you through it. To hold your hand when the cravings hit, to hold you close when you start to shake because of them. To tell you how much I love you, how much I believe in you then things get tough and all you want to do is reach for the wine and forget all your troubles. Please Arthur, say I can come home. I'm unsure if you can do this alone. You struggled so much before, and the last thing you need is to fall off the wagon just when the wagon has taken off. I'm not saying you can't do it alone, for I believe you can. You are strong willed when you want to be, and always, if you want to achieve something, you will. I am just saying that you may need a little help from me, just to make things that little easier. Just to make sure all goes well.

Arthur consider the requests of this letter fully. I want you to make a clear and, more importantly, sober decision on the matters. Especially with the first request. For I will do it Arthur,_ I will. _Because I love you with everything that I have. You are what makes my life worth living, and if your life goes past that point, then mine will too. And then it will be the end, for us, for Camelot, for Albion. It is not our destiny for that to happen.

I love you Arthur, and I know, whatever your choices may be, they will be the right ones.

Yours forever, always and everything in-between.

Merlin xxxx


	4. Arthur asks, but does not demand

My Darling Merlin

Oh Merlin don't cry on my behalf, please don't. You will only make me feel worse about all of this, even more so that I do already. To be honest I was thinking of just drinking myself into oblivion (and beyond) when I received your letter, but I knew if I choose to ignore you, I would never see you again. And you know what I'm like when I'm drunk, I make no sense. So you would not have received a rude or insulting response to your letter, you would most likely have received a piece of paper filled with absolute senseless nonsense.

I understand, on some level, that what happened with Gwen was not my fault, but at the same time, I can't help but be riddled with guilt. As much as I said that I loved you both equally, it was more than obvious to her that I loved you the most. Guinevere was not the sort of woman to be second best. She deserved to be treated like she was the most important woman in the world, and with Lancelot, she has that. At least I can take some comfort in that, despite my broken heart.

I never realised before, that I loved you most, not until she left. Not until you did. When Gwen left me, I was left feeling empty, lost. However I could live with that. I could cope, yes with the help of alcohol maybe, but I could. But when you left, I died. I wanted to die! I wanted to throw myself of the top of the tallest tower so that I could end my pain. I wanted to scream, to shout and rage. I wanted to follow you to the end of the earth, just so that I might beg you to come home. I never wanted to do that with Gwen. Of course this was all before I found and read your letter. Nevertheless it's true you know. I've always loved you more Merlin. You are the man who stood by my side come rain or shine, who drank poison for me, who risked his life in order to save mine. On countless occasions. You are the man who could make me quiver with only the slightest of touches, who could make me cum with words only, who would defy everything and everyone just to say 'I love you,' one last time. Merlin I love you so much, make sure you never forget that.

Merlin, I'm so sorry. I understand now that you must have been trying to listen to me, if only to make sense of the insanity that was my life. You have to understand that in my drunken state you as well as everyone else was out to get me! I truly believed that you didn't care about me, about what I was feeling or what I had to say. It is obvious now that you did, very much so in fact. I have wondered often, after reading your letter countless times, how you can still love me. I was a heartless bastard and my life was all about me and me alone. You truly are a brave and noble man to have stood by my side for such a time.

The reason for my drinking... I think you have it bang on. You are right in saying that I feel like a failure because of Guinevere's departure. You are right in saying that I feel like a failure because I did not produce an heir with my wife. You are right in thinking that an heir is what I want. Merlin I want to be a father so much. Not just so that the Pendragon line can continue, but because I want to hold my new born son or daughter in my arms, and want him or her grow into a beautiful little person. I want to be a father. I want to be what _my_ father wasn't. A daddy. A man that is there for his child, no matter what. But do I want you to be the 'mother' of my child? I don't know. It's not that I don't want us to be parents... I would love that! It's just... I don't want you to be a woman. I could put up with it for the sake of conceiving and carrying a child, but not in the long run! I can't imagine you not being you. I can't imagine making love to you when you have breasts and long hair. If you could swear to me, _promise me, _that you will do whatever it takes to make sure your spell does not go awry then my answer is yes, a thousand times yes! I don't care if you have to practice the spell on a dozen or so men, I don't care if you send Sir Leon back to me as a woman, I don't care! As long as you can promise me that you will be able to return to your true self, once our child is born.

Let me finish Merlin, by asking you to remain in Ealdor. I admit, that you not being here will make my recovery a thousand times harder, but I need to do this without you. I need to prove to myself that I can do this without your help. I believe that if I can, then I will never slip up again. Because I will know then that I don't need it. I will know then that I can be King by myself, with no help from anyone. Yes, that may sound pompous and downright rude, but it's the truth. Merlin I am a leader, and I have to act as such. I should not have to beg help from anyone. I should be able to get through my problems alone. So please, listen to my words and remain in Ealdor. This is not an order, it is a request, and you may return to Camelot if you wish. But understand that I want to do this alone.

From your King, your friend, your lover...

Arthur xxx


End file.
